Asking age in business (Korea)
A Korean asks "How old are you?" at the very first coffee; a Westerner receives this as an intrusion.
Meaning
Target direction : In Korea, asking age is **normal and structuring** - age determines language (jondaetmal 존댓말 vs banmal 반말) and hierarchy.
Interpreted meaning : Asking age = serious personal indiscretion (Western misinterpretation).
Geography of misunderstanding
Offensive
- south-korea
Neutral
- usa
- canada
- france
1. The gesture and its expected meaning
In Korea, asking the question "몇 살입니까?" ("How old are you?") is essential and non-threatening. Age literally structures the Korean language: choosing between jondaetmal (존댓말, formal respectful language) and banmal (반말, colloquial/childish language) depends on the relative age of the speaker in relation to the interlocutor. If you're talking to someone 3 years older, you use jondaetmal (out of respect); if it's a peer or younger, you can switch to banmal. This radically affects all the verbs, all the honorifics, all the tone of the conversation. De Mente (2008, Etiquette Guide to Korea) and Sohn (1999, The Korean Language) document this system. Without knowing your age, you can't speak properly in Korean. The question of age is therefore not intrusive; it's a question of linguistic infrastructure.
2. Where things go wrong: the geography of misunderstanding
Typical shock: in Seoul, during first meeting with Korean client, she asks "How old are you?" Western manager feels violated, thinks she's being awkward or aggressive. She refuses to answer or reacts curtly. Korean side: client is confused and insulted by the refusal. She can't use the right language, feels discriminated against, and loses confidence in the relationship. For Westerners (USA, Canada, France, Germany): age at work is strictly forbidden by law (EEOC in USA, equality in France) and socially taboo. Asking age = suspected discrimination. Korean women do not realize this Western sensitivity.
3. Historical background
Korean honorific system (경어법 gyeongeo-beop) goes back to confucianism (유교 yugyo): respect for elders is pillar of social order. Age = proxy for wisdom, experience, authority. The jondaetmal/banmal system has formalized this into an obligatory grammatical structure. Without the age distinction, grammar itself collapses. De Mente (2008) notes that Korean is one of the very few languages where the relative age of interlocutors determines grammar. This is a fundamental difference from English, French and German (where tu/ous is more or less stable once established). Sohn (1999, The Korean Language) analyzes honorific levels: there are 7 levels in Korean (vs. 2-3 in French tu/vous), all triggered by age and status.
4. famous documented incidents
Samsung international hiring (2010s): Western female candidates (USA, UK) refuse to answer age question at job interview in Seoul. Samsung HR explains (politely) that this is to choose the correct language for future training and communication, not for discrimination. Candidates discover intercultural conflict. Paris-Seoul business negotiation (years 2000-2010) : French teams frustrated by age issue of Korean partners at first meeting. French women think it's sexist/ageist. Koreans think refusal = extreme rudeness. Negotiation initially stumbled on this misunderstanding before progressing. International school in Seoul (2015) : American teacher in international school politely refuses to answer age question asked by Korean colleagues. Korean colleagues think teacher is judging or snubbing them. They stop inviting him to social gatherings. HR has to intervene to explain cultural differences.
5. Practical recommendations
To do: - In Korea: answer age question directly. It's structural, not personal. - Understand that age determines Korean language - it's not discrimination. - Ask the question if you're in Korea and need to communicate properly. - Validate the question: "It's a nice question - it helps to choose respectful language." - If you're a Westerner: explain in advance why you're asking the question (don't assume that Korean knows). Don't: - Don't refuse to answer a question about age in Korea. - Don't equate age with discrimination (very different context). - Don't show discomfort or irritation. - Don't assume that Koreans have bad intentions.
Practical recommendations
To do
- {'En Corée': "répondre directement à question d'âge (pas menaçant, c'est structurel)."}
- Comprendre que l'âge détermine le langage coréen — jondaetmal vs banmal.
- Poser la question si vous êtes en Corée et avez besoin de communiquer correctement.
- {'Valider la question': "« C'est une belle question — elle aide à choisir le langage respectueux. »"}
- {'Expliquer aux Occidentaux': "l'âge n'est pas discrimination en Corée, c'est linguistique."}
Avoid
- Ne pas refuser de répondre à question d'âge en Corée (grave insulte).
- Ne pas assimiler question d'âge à discrimination (contexte différent).
- Ne pas montrer malaise ou irritation.
- Ne pas assumer mauvaise intention.
Neutral alternatives
- {'In an international/neutral context': 'explain in advance why you're asking the question ("It helps with respectful language")."}
- {'If refused': 'propose an alternative ("I'd rather not, but you can use formal language").'}
- {'Adapt to generations': 'young Koreans (< 30) less age-sensitive than older generations."}
Sources
- Etiquette Guide to Korea
- The Korean Language
- Culture's Consequences: Comparing Values, Behaviors, Institutions and Organizations Across Nations